When a PhD student sees the finish line

So, I just finished my first dissertation draft last week.  As I stared into my draft on screen, I suddenly felt a profound sadness. I was like, what the heck is happening? I could see the finish line; for the first time, I got a sense that I could graduate from this PhD, but at the same time, I felt like I did not want to leave it.  WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH ME?!?!?!?! Was it a different version of that Stockholm syndrome thingy?

So then I just sat and started thinking about what happened, and then I remembered things I read from ‘Maybe you should talk to someone’ (btw, terrific book, go read) about why making or facing change is so difficult. The author says that change is difficult because we cling to the status quo. As we gain something (from some changes), we lose something as well, our status quo. Our baseline situation may not be ideal (it can even be terrible), but that’s all we have. We may opt for something subpar but certain and predictable (the status quo) instead of the prospect of getting something better (from the changes) yet uncertain.

That seems to be the answer.

I still feel sad every time I think I will end this PhD. I just don’t want to lose it. If I had to describe this PhD, it would just fill with all negative descriptions: stressful, depressing, frustrating, exhausting, draining, isolating, shattering my sense of self, worsening my self-inadequacy, crippling, eating you from the inside, etc, etc. With that situation, I felt like I didn’t have many options, so I (subconsciously) sought comfort and found one. Those difficulties have become my friends, and they have given me comfort. Comfort I got from the predictability of those miseries. Hence, getting out of that predictable miseries and moving toward something potentially better yet uncertain becomes scary. 

I once told my professor that I did not want to spend 10 years doing this PhD (some people do), and he promised me that it would not happen. It is certainly not happening, but I still don’t know how to deal with this. 

Guess maybe I just need to give some time and take things in.